30 September 2010

NWDT: Planet Spankmenow

I’ve decided it is time to begin the initiation process, to get you all on board with the Naked World Domination Tour and its plans at creating a world that is peaceful, fun and covered in pudding. There are aspects of the NWDT that can be a little confusing, so I am going to break it into sections. Today I will begin with a little history.

The Naked World Domination Movement has a ‘Capital’ so to speak, and as your future Empress, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the Founder, choreographer and zany dominatrix of Planet Spankmenow. It is my delighted honor to introduce you now to Sketchie Skattergood.

*waves in a regal manner... for a penguin*

So Sketchie, how exactly did you FIND Planet Spankmenow?

Well, Your Tartness, that's quite a story. As a few of your readers may know, I'm a romance writer at heart, and I feel obligated to do intensive research on the subject (for authenticity's sake, don't you know). A few years ago, I was hunting down the legendary "bippy", a fantastic (and highly elusive) body part Goldie Hawn made famous in the last century. (Whoa. Feeling old now... and depressed... *cries*)

So there I was, hot on the trail of a wild bippy, when somehow I accidentally stumbled through a suspicious-looking window-treatment. I went right through the tattered material (really, someone MUST inform housekeeping about the sad condition of that drapery), and to my horror I landed face-first in the rugged, Alps-like abs of a charming boy by the name of Cristiano (you may have seen him; there's a delightful little snap of him on my FB Wall as we speak *fans self*).

After much drooling and unnecessary fondling (it is JUST so hard to believe those abs are real), the darling boy commended me for my bravery in crossing through what he called "the pantsy portal to the World of Uptightedness." After many hand signals and pantomiming, I was at last able to discern that the luscious lad was speaking of my own realm (I didn't bother to correct his grammar; when someone looks that good, who gives a damn what they're saying?). I then asked him where I was. That was when he told me: "This in Planet Spankmenow."

Can you tell our lovely readers about it? Topography? Activities? Entertainment? Small furry animals?

Darling, do I look like Christopher Colombus? I can give you detailed descriptions of the spa and the cabana boys and girls, the pools both manmade and natural, the beaches of every color, the twin-peaked mountains far off in the distance that the locals have named Dolly and Parton, and of course, Cristiano's six-pack. But when it comes to the general topography, the most I can tell you is that this wondrous little slice of heaven seems to be one gigantic island (wait... could this place be... AUSTRALIA?!?!? [<--interrobang, heehee!])

Oooh, but as for the activities and entertainment.... NOW we've got something to talk about. *smirk* First and foremost, one must learn the customs of Planet Spankmenow. There really is only ONE rule in this delightful slice of heaven-- off with your clothes (seriously, the natives have never even heard of a cotton-poly mix). As there is glorious weather year-round in this tropical paradise, the natives have never needed clothes. In fact, they giggled uproariously over my brassiere (I know what some of you are thinking: "Penguins don't wear bras." Well, this one does. How's that for a mental image? *snort*)

Did I digress there? Whoops. Sorry. Mari made me. :D

Where was I? Oh yes, bras. The natives found a MUCH better use for my brassiere. Come to find out, if you place tightly-packed Snow-Cones (sans the "cone" part and in any flavor you want) within the bra cups, you can fling those puppies around like David and his slingshot. We had a grape-flavored one sail nearly seventy feet before the brastrap snapped. I'm sure we'll be back in business soon, and with any luck, brassiere slingshots will become as popular as Planet Spankmenow's National Pastime, pudding wrestling.

And as for small furry animals... Have you forgotten the bippy?

So which pudding flavor do you most strongly endorse?

Excellent question, Tart. If you're serious about your wrestling, I strongly recommend pistachio. A little texture goes a long way. If you're more interested in the friendly, slap-n-tickle variety of wrestling, you can never go wrong with chocolate. The darker color is so slimming. :)

[here the Tart must chime in agreement, pistachio really IS a fabulous pudding for wrestling, and it doubles as body paint, so that is a bonus]

Can you tell me a little about the politics here at the Nakedest Place on… erm… off Earth?

*blinks* Politics? On Spankmenow? What are you trying to do, make this into the World of Uptightedness, Part Two?! The only thing that even smacks of government on this fantasy-island planet are the dungeons, run by a queenly lady named Rissa, The Watery Tart, Briony of the Ax and The Comfy Chair, JelE Bean, and when I can steal the key, myself. Our security man is a fun-loving, roguish bloke by the name of Sirius, who sniffs out those who are determined to wear clothes. After only a few weeks in the dungeons and several hours of dance-instruction later, our former scofflaws fall quite eagerly into the swing of things (it's amazing what a little Bend-and-Snap! can do).

And what are your plans to keep Planet Spankmenow a central force in the Naked World Domination Movement?

We of Planet Spankmenow need to lead by example. Everyone -- get naked. *waits a few moments* Thank you.

Is there anything else you’d like to share about Planet Spankmenow?

It is truly a place of freedom and beauty, where imagination rules and "limits" are an unknown entity. Those who make it through the Veil, whether by accident or design, never return unchanged (or in the case of Sirius, they never return, period, end of sentence *snort*). If YOU are a believer in freedom, the joys of the imagination, and in nakedness, Planet Spankmenow is the place for you. *wanders off to see what Cristiano is up to*

So there we have it, straight from the dominatrix penguin, and founder of Planet Spankmenow, bringing joy to anyone open-minded enough to enter.  For a visitor's visa, just see The Tart.
*images of Sketchie the penguin and the Watery Tart skillfully drawn by Queen Marissa

And on the off chance you DIDN'T know... Yesterday was NAKED DAY!  Sorry I couldn't give you a head's up sooner. *shifty*  So mark it on your calendar for next year!


Will Burke said...

What a delightful read! Best of luck with La Revolution.

Natasha said...

Wasn't there also a fantasy novel set in Plant Spankmenow? Can we read it, do you think?

Hart Johnson said...

Thanks Will! We're sure trying hard!

Natasha-I did use it for that 'formula fantasy' short story contest we had. I still have the map, but I think the story died its much needed death when my old computer died. (though it's possible somebody (you?) sent me a copy)

JournoMich said...

I missed naked day? Man...If I ever have MY own planet, I'll have to declare several naked days.

This is really fun to read.


Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

So Sketchie is now in on the fun and Queen Marissa is in with illustrations! Y'all are having way, way too much fun. :) Thanks for giving me a smile today.

Hart Johnson said...

Michelle, probably we should schedule a make-up Naked Day, since we didn't have adequate notice... I recommend Thursday... EVERY Thursday *shifty*

Elizabeth-yeah, I have some insane friends... *huggles friends* we draw together like magnets, and the insanity spreads... it's coming for you!