Guest: Rita B. Skeeter

Y'all may have noticed that we Burrowers have an inside track to some of the characters in the Potterverse... well for this Valentine’s Week, for our Delusional Thursday, we asked Rita Skeeter if she might do a little bit of... a gossip column... now some of you might not think much of Rita, but you really are being unfair. She DOES have her fingers on the pulse of what's out there... I'm sure you'll agree. Welcome Rita!

*****

Tis I Rita B Skeeter reporting live from some dark damp place that has affectionately been called home for the past few years. I have been asked to come out of retirement for pure entertainment purposes and a load of galleons.

About a week ago I was having biscuits and tea with a dear friend of mine. The subject of Valentine’s Day approached the table and I tried vehemently to sway the conversation to something more appealing. Like the cockroach that crawled across her china plate. Of course Valentine’s Day is something she looks forward to with her hunky man candy waiting to dote all over her. I quickly informed her that St. Valentine was the Devil and the Day was merely a reminder to single people that they are still single. This is the point in our conversation that she warmed my tea with a sweet lemon liquor. Soon after that we were acting like silly school girls. Although we weren’t really paying attention, a tall drink of water came over to our table to say hello. It was none other than Lucius Malfoy. Of course he was alone, he hasn’t been seen with his wife for years, but rumor has it that he does indeed still have one. We exchanged niceties and he went on about his way. In the moment that his silky hair swung around his shoulder, I could see myself attached to his arm. How different things would be if things were mixed up a bit differently.

(Now just for blathering sake, everyone that we know to be dead is alive and any undead may remain true to character.) Onward!

My matchmaking skills were quickly in high gear, but why stop here in London. There’s that lovely coven of vampires and pack of wolves that live in the States. Those wolves are just chomping at the bit to sink their teeth into those hard steel bodies.

My first mismatch would have to be Hermione Granger and Edward Cullen. She is clearly a know it all, so studying the ways of the undead should be no match for her. She is one muggle born that deserves a blood sucker. Especially one like Edward Cullen, does he even have a backbone? Who lets their significant other snog with a dog and keep her around to tell about it? Not to mention he plans on keeping her forever, yet another undead running amuck. I think Granger and her dirty blood would be just deserts for Mr. Cullen, no matter how sparkly he is when he steps out in the sun.

Bellatrix Lestrange, I just love her hair and her style has left her filthy rich –posthumously of course… So tragic. Bellatrix should no doubt be with that pesky wolf Jacob Black. Dare I say I would pay good money to watch a trisk in that den. I’m not sure who would be the giver of rabies but rest assured it would happen. Look on the brighter side with that hair and his eyes; they would have a cute poodle mix for offspring.

As for our boy wonder, Harry Potter, his best match would be Alice Cullen. Certified nutter she would be perfect for him. Her visions of the future could have set the pace and direction of things to come much differently. Therefore leaving me with more interesting things to write about, near death encounters and betrayal are much more my cup of tea. (With that warm liquor please)

Last but not least, I would pair Ron Weasley up with Bella Swan. Now there’s a pair I could sink my teeth into. Miss Swan for being a complete idiot, one for begging to die, or two, treating her invitation to death like pond scum. Take your pick. Weasley is so clueless about everything he will barely notice when she starts to snog his brothers while hunting garden gnomes.

I do hope you have enjoyed this short take on relationships. Obviously I’m not one to take after, but make no mistake, St. Valentine or not, I will be with someone on that special day, party willing or not.

Stay tuned for next time when we introduce Mr. Darcy to Katniss Everdeen. Now there’s one bow and arrow even Cupid can’t handle.

Happy Valentine’s Day,
Rita B. Skeeter

Rita B. Skeeter is a character created by J.K. Rowling, Channeled here by our friend Cheri Higgins.
The image of Miranda Richardson belongs to Warner Brothers, undoubtedly...

Spreading the Love

So for Valentine's Day we (the Burrow) thought a week of features related to love might be a nice touch... and guess who got assigned the WRITING day...

I've got a confession. I am a MAJOR cynic. I don't happen to believe two become one, or that another person completes ANYBODY (certainly not ME!)... so addressing this... LOVE thang was something I just wasn't quite up to.

Don't get me wrong. I have something akin to love in all my books... people fall for each other... it is part of life. But for ME, it is always a side story (and typically it is either within an already existing relationship, or catches people busy with OTHER stuff as a sweet surprise...)

But you know... this is for VALENTINE'S DAY, so what is a Tart to do? I can't disappoint you!

So I scratched my head and said, “SAY... I know a romance writer!” (in actuality, I know several, but being me, I thought I wanted a SPICY romance writer). In fact this romance writer has just been contracted for her first novella! (which I've read and it is FABULOUS, even if it DOES center around a love story... in fact... THAT is part of the trick... Stacy Gail is sassy and feisty and mixes a little snark, a little heat, and a lot of torture... THAT is my kind of romance!)  So I asked Stacy to write a guest post on Romance for all of YOU.






Margaret Mitchell Had It Right

When Tami asked me to do a guest blog on how to write a romance novel, I was really stumped. All I could think was, “Well, you have a sexy dreamboat and a woman everyone can relate to, throw in some animal magnetism, sparkling repartee, a steamy grope scene or two, and boom – there ya go.” Easy, right?

Oh, if only it were that simple.

To get to the heart of what makes a romance really WORK, you have to dig for what makes a love story unforgettable. For me, despite the fact that I’m the world’s biggest sucker for a tale where love triumphs over all, the best work in romantic fiction is one of my all-time favorites –“Gone With The Wind.”

But I have to admit, it’s a bit of a love/hate relationship.

Margaret Mitchell had every ingredient known to the romance genre in “Wind.” A beautiful heroine? Check. A roguish bad boy? Boy howdy, CHECK. Unrequited love, as well as a love triangle and all the internal conflict this brings? Check. External conflict (a.k.a. the Civil War)? Definitely check.
Yet, despite all these pure-win elements, there’s a tiny part of me that hates old Margaret for the story she told. Why? It boils down to one thing. I didn’t get my HEA – my happily-ever-after. According to the guidelines of all the publishing houses currently cranking out commercial romances, the HEA is mandatory. If you don’t have one, it gets chucked right back at you like a boomerang.

So… was Margaret Mitchell wrong?

Thirty million sold copies say no.

There’s a reason why “Wind” is considered to be one of the best romances ever written, despite the fact that it doesn’t follow the current romance genre’s formula of delivering the HEA. Margaret Mitchell was a master at ripping into the darkest, most painful core of emotions and gushing it out on paper for everyone to experience. She showcased the emotion known as Love in all its myriad facets – pure, selfless, selfish, all-consuming, lustful, indomitable. Just thinking about the agony of writing something like that still makes me shake my head. The woman must have been in tears the entire time she was writing her masterpiece.

Which leads me back to Tami’s question on how to write a romance novel. I’m sure it’s different for every romance writer, but for me it’s all about getting to the heart of the story, and for a romance that heart is LOVE. When I hurt for my MCs or find myself instinctively shying away from the emotional time-bomb that’s about to explode all over them, I know I’m on the right track. To have two people who are willing to put themselves through the agonies of internal and external conflicts just to be together is a beautiful, even noble, thing. In the end, it’s not about the uber-hotness of the guy, or the lush backdrop of their surroundings; it’s about two people struggling to find where they truly belong.
But, if you’re like Scarlett and Rhett and that belonging just isn’t found, I’ve come to discover that this is okay, too. The struggle to find the person who is your other half will continue, and another story is just waiting to be told. After all, tomorrow is another day.




Tart's Post-partum

So it isn't a car accident with a lot of groping? [sorry... inside joke there]

Oh MAN... I LOVE Gone with the Wind! And it IS a romance, isn't it!? I think you've got what normally bugs me! I don't buy into Happily Ever After (maybe because I know after the wedding it is just work work work *shifty*) Stace—thank you so much for so much better a job than I could have made of this!!!


Image of Stacy Gail (the Margarita-skating penguin) drawn by Marissa Montano
Movie poster image from Publicfotki.com