12 January 2012

Dear Fairy Godmuther,

Or should I say Godmonster...

Consider this your final warning. You have fallen down on the job. Spiraled out of the sky and splashed a big pile of POO all over me. This is the last straw! Well, or the last one before the next one, so maybe what I should be saying is this is the penultimate straw... penultimate being such a great word and all... but somehow with straw, it loses some of its Mojo, doesn't it?... penultimate straw isn't as powerful as LAST. But never mind.

See. This is what I'm talking about. Do you SEE how jumbled my mind is at the moment? I can't concentrate. Not even a little. And I am laying this on YOU.

See, I was minding my own business, polishing a pretty good book for ABNA, trying to craft my pitch... when... no wait... it started before that...

See, the money problems have been so persistent so long that I almost forget to mention them, but this more recent stuff compounds it all, so I need to have set the stage, yeah? So we're poor. We have a plan, but the plan requires VERY tight belts for a few YEARS into our future. So that's the setting...

[Note, too that ALL THREE of the last three paragraphs start with the same word. How distracted does a person have to be for THAT to happen? A writer, no less.]

NOW we get to minding my own business prepping for ABNA...

When I get the CALL from my agent that EDITS are needed on the book I turned in in September. Not tiny little edits... fairly substantial ones. Damn. Now. DAMN.

But there's no shame in a U-turn, right? (or a U-turn left, actually—a U-turn right might cause an accident, but I digress)... So I U-turn and get to work on the DONE BOOK I ALREADY CROSSED OFF MY DARNED LIST. Setting me back a little, yeah?

Did I mention I am reading an 800 page borrowed book, so my time is slightly reduced? No? Well that's fine... that part isn't really on the Fairy Godmonster's head. So never mind.

But THEN... THEN... grrrrrrrrrr.

Hubby went and had a medical emergency and is having some sort of chronic crisis. The ER visit and ambulance ride were enough, but he is a caretaker and until he gets this resolved he can't work—do you see it? The part where the MONEY trouble is compounded? At least two weeks with no pay at all and potentially a reduced schedule after that because STRESS is part of the root of his problem (3-12 hour days in a row caring for someone is stressful—who knew?). But he is sickly and down and NEEDY at the moment, so wants to talk about EVERYTHING. ALL THE TIME. Which is leaving me both with less time for my stuff, and with a head full of HIS stuff when I get a little time. I know I sound like a bitch there... I should be a goodly caretaker, but HE'S the caretaker in the family. THAT is our arrangement! (and I'm TIRED, which has been known to make me pretty punchy.)

So what I want to know is this.

Why the heck have you not been watching my back? Fairy Godmothers who are NOT frauds can mitigate disasters and make NICE things happen rather than lousy ones. Why couldn't you have just done a spell that would give me a good poke on my sixteenth birthday like everybody else gets? Or better yet, why can't you just am-scray and I will take Meriwether. 

(and for your information, Meriwether is the fierce one in blue (the one who managed to alter YOUR spell to change death to sleep)--Flora is in red and Fauna is in green--fierce is better than nice, but MEAN AND ROTTEN SUCKS ROCKS!)

Dissatisfied in Ann Arbor,



Jan Morrison said...

Hmmmm...'sucks'understates it. Sucks is when my computer died. It sucked but hey. You are being given a big message from the phenomenal world. Let's see if I can parse it - you have to work because you are the only one bringing in salary right now and you have bills. You have a book that needs major edits - probably not as huge as you are now thinking but not as small as you had hoped - your pelvic affiliate needs tender loving care and you have very little left to give. You have several other projects you had hoped to get to. But no, you have to take it down to the basics. One book, one job, one partner. You need to call in your support even though I am pretty sure you are basically a guy when it comes to that (hey, I'm a psychotherapist - I can't help it) Call in your support - demand more from your kids who are of an age where they can deliver and keep it absolutely simple. And that means you still get to read your borrowed book - you need to reCREATE some of the time. I'm your friend, and if I were in your town, I'd be over helping you - talking to your freaked out p.a., cooking up casseroles etc... So, please dearest Tartlette, get on the phone and get your peeps organized to help you. I know this is preachy but your life is on fire and we don't have time to philosophize. I send you buckets of love and if I could mail you a pan full of enchiladas I would.

T. Powell Coltrin said...

Hart, very funny, but of course not if you're living it. But, yes funny!

Good luck on the edits.


Tonja said...

I'd send my godmother your way if I knew where she was. I like the name Meriwether - for a character, not a child. I really hope things get better for you. Maybe that fairy's been rounding up book deals for you.

Old Kitty said...

Oh Tart!! :-( You and your fairy godmother need time out!! Oh dear!!!

Oh but you've certainly told her in your most unique and NAKED way!

Take care

Natasha said...

And here I was thinking my life sucks. At least I don't have money worries just yet.
Take care my Thursday Twin. Since it is both of us, I am sure it has something to do with the alignment of the stars, so it too will pass.
Sending my elephant patronus (very thin, unfortunately), your way.

lisahgolden said...

This is what happens when the Fairy Godmother breaks her wand and tries to tape it together with duct tape.

One of these things would be enough. You have headaches in abundance. I'm sending you buckets of energy and patience. And hugs.

Matthew MacNish said...

Wow. That sounds rough!

Hart Johnson said...

Jan-you nailed it. And my neighbors have been FABULOUS--seriously.

Teresa-Yes... sometimes we need to laugh to keep from crying, eh?

Tonja-man, I hope so!

Jenny-each to our corners, eh? teehee

Natasha-oh, dear! What's going on in your world? I need to make a point of catching up with you!

Lisa *snort* You suppose that's it? You are probably right!

Matt-yeah, like sandpaper in the toilet roll...

LTM said...

man, I'm sorry everything's hitting at once. Does it help if I note that Betty White was the voice of Meriwether?

Can you get an extension on your deadline w/editor? Medical crisis?

Nothing but all the best wishes to you and hubs. zerg. ((hugs))

Southpaw said...

Sorry, things have been so rough.

Hart Johnson said...

Leigh--LOVE THAT! I adore Betty White, but hadn't watched the movie for ages! Details are on my own blog, if you want to catch up... still first page.

Holly-thank you!

Abby Minard said...

Oh man, your fairy godmother needs to kick it up a notch. Hoping things look up for you! This was a great piece, btw!

Johanna Garth said...

I finally made it over here! Hooray except not hooray about your godmother problems. Hold on! We are all pulling for you and I'm certain there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. You have too much talent for someone not to snap you up with a 6 figure book deal very, very soon!

Hart Johnson said...

Abby-I know, right? (and thank you!)

Johanna-Yes, YAY! Welcome! And hopefully that light isn't a train! Man, I would SO LOVE that six-figure deal. That would solve EVERYTHING!