09 December 2010

Feline Domestic Domination Plan

The Tart would never admit this, but nudists aren't the only ones intent on taking over the world. In fact the holidays are a PURRRFECT time for the superior species to exert our authority and show those pesky humans who the real brains are.

Oh... by the way... I'm Cali—resident feline of Chez Tart, and not nearly as dumb as I pretend to be (though I admit to being a bit clumsy). I have distracted the Tart with a faux Nudist Retreat brochure and she has gone off seeking it. I sent the Tartlets after candy and Mr. Tart is walking the fur ball. Anyhoo... I have begun an easy seven-point plan for how a cat can solidly take over her household by Christmas, and then a list of resolutions for the coming year.

1. Assert authority over all decorations that go on surfaces: tables, shelves, floors. Do this by batting them to the middle of the floor. If they don't break and are round, knock them around and play (ideally loudly). If they are NOT round, grab them with your front paws and kick them with your back paws, chewing from time to time to keep your incisors sharp. If you can knock off pieces or shred something, this is perfect, but whatever the case, make your authority very clear.

2. Show the tree who is boss: Trees are for CLIMBING. Cats climb. Cats also bat at ornaments well and batted hard enough, ornaments WILL fly off (and most will then ROLL! WAHOO!). Pine needles even have a lovely gin flavor, so you really ought to chew on them from time to time.

3. There is NOTHING more satisfying than wrestling with a tree skirt: You can also twist them, hide under them, and if you run and then LAND on them, they will even sometimes spin around the tree! Either that, or it will topple the whole tree, which is COOL!

4. PRESENTS! Presents are covered in PAPER and RIBBON and they usually sit in BOXES or BAGS... Is there ANYTHING better than boxes, bags, paper and ribbon? NO! This is cat HEAVEN. In fact presents should happen EVERY DAY. When cats are in charge, they will!

5. Stockings. Stockings are HUNG, yeah? And things that are HUNG can be SWUNG from!!! They can also be leaped at and climbed (all the better to reach the candlesticks on the mantle, yes?) It is best to try climbing ALL the stockings, as one might just suit you better than the others, but surely you should start with anything knit—that way you can leave your identifying marks and nobody gives credit to... say the dog.

6. There is an extra opportunity to trip people during the holidays, especially if you lurk under the tree. For starters, people have to walk a slightly different path than they normally do, so they are a little wrong-footed to begin with, so if you leap out just in front of them, you are in for some good times!

7. This is NOT the time to let your hunting tactics get rusty: In fact people are more likely to dress up, so there is an extra opportunity to snag stockings and leave fur on black or white slacks. Satin and silk may come out... I know you know what I mean. Sharpen those claws, lurk in every corner you can find, and practice those attacks!

After Christmas, be sure to climb in any spare boxes crumpling the tissue paper as often as possible. Sit in all the boxes because people think it's really cute and they let their guard down, and begin batting the tree branches regularly. The needles have gotten really dry and they will fly a long way if you hit the branch just right. And if there are clothes that people got as gifts and leave sitting out before they are put in closets or drawers, be sure to sleep on each item—preferably several times, favoring items with maximum contrast in coloring and made in fibers that really stick well to cat hair.

And be sure to act really cute and cuddly from time to time, because surely there will be eggnog around at least until New Years!

Uh oh. I better run. I hear somebody grumbling about clothes-loving cloff-prunkers.


Unknown said...

My cat is boring and doesn't do any of those things.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sounds like a certain kitty is bucking for Santa's naughty list!

LTM said...

omg--LOL! You're so funny... I love cats. Make your authority clear... stockings are for swinging... :D <3

Hart Johnson said...

Chary-it may be time to get a kitten.

Alex-see, while I envision myself as naughty instead of evil, I think Cali sees herself as evil...

Leigh-she's pretty funny--the nut.

Southpaw said...

Oh ya, Christmas is definitely a cat’s holiday. When I was a kid we used fishing string attached to the top of the tree and several points around the room the keep the tree from toppling when the animals wanted to play.;)

Golden Eagle said...

Yes, cats do those sorts of things all right. LOL.

Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

This all sounds very familiar! Have you put a kitty cam on my cats? :)

VR Barkowski said...

OMG, I really didn't need to read this just before putting up our tree. Our kitten (the aptly named LucyFur) already thinks she's a Flying Wallenda. I'm very scared.

Amber T. Smith said...

*high fives* You nailed it sista!!

Belle & Angel: *nods*

Hart Johnson said...

Holly-those are extreme measures!!!

Golden Eagle-they're NUTS, aren't they?

Elizabeth-Now I want a kitty cam!

VR-HOPEFULLY you'll be okay! I think actually the worst thing is a cat running under the tree who has taunted a big dog into chasing her!

Tara-We need to make very sure Cali, Angel and Belle never get a chance to plot together!

Natasha said...

Tami, I swear I DID NOT READ THIS before posting today's post. I swear, and you have to believe me, because we are twins.

I think what Cali needs is Naman therapy- send her over, and he will put her in her place in no time at all.

ViolaNut said...

Kittehs are teh awsum.

That is all. ;-)

Kas said...

I am cat-sitting this week and Cali makes me very grateful our apartment has no decorations! I am about to wrap the roomies' presents, though, so I should probably make sure they stay in a hard to reach place. ;]