12 August 2010

Delusional Book Review

So I figure anybody can review a book they've read, but I thought I'd give a little sample of my SUPERPOWER and review some books I've never read. Before you think I'm psychic, I should let you know... my SUPERPOWER, is actually MISATTRIBUTING. (for a definition, see our handy Burrowictionary)

Reviews of books I've never read:

AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner: So layer this depressing topic over the wordiest man in the history of literature? I think not.


THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger: Now this is a FABULOUS book. It HAS to be. You know why? Because Salinger wrote naked in the bathtub, just like somebody else you know... I really need to get to this one...

DUNE by Frank Herbert: Okay, now this one SEEMS really cool. I WANT TO WANT to read it.... but I don't WANT to.

THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN by John Fowles: So like, this was the MOVIE I went to on my first car date ever, and I had a crush on Dave for a good long time. So this story has a soft spot for me. But the movie mixed it up and had actors FILMING the movie, as well as the movie... so there was this time jumpy thing. There is NO FREAKING WAY the book had that, cuz like movies weren't invented yet, right? So I'm pretty sure the movie version is lots better.

GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN by James Baldwin: Isn't this a song? I could swear we used to sing this when I had to go to choir at the church on Thursday after school when I was in elementary. I can't see a book being made into that song as all that interesting... seems awfully... inspirational, and I can't abide inspirational literature.

HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad: Is this the Red Badge of Courage guy? Because I don't think I've ever read a book as painful as Red Badge of Courage, unless you maybe count Twilight. NOT INTERESTED (even if it's NOT the same guy, I'm still not interested because it reminds me of it).

OF HUMAN BONDAGE by W. Somerset Maugham: So let's hear it for a little erotica!

INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison: All I can say about this, is it better be told from the PoV of the invisible guy, or you got nothing to work with.

THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Norman Mailer: I am not sure I've seen this title before, but I have one thing to say. Norman Mailer is a TART. (which I know he would appreciate)

THE SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie: Okay, now THIS sounds intriguing. I could learn to be not just NAUGHTY, but EVIL! Okay. Got the Tart endorsement!

THE SCARLET LETTER by Nathaniel Hawthorne: Are you KIDDING ME? A book about a character who gets basically branded for meeting life's most basic need? (erm... other than breathing and eating, anyway)... Though it DID amuse me to learn in my college lit class that in America sex was FATAL until the 17th century... but that makes this book late for its time.

ULYSSES by James Joyce: See, I have real mixed feelings here. Ulysses reminds me a little of Odysseus, and the Odyssey is a pretty spanking, good time, but Ulysses sounds all stuffy, like, right? But then James Joyce... any dude with a boys AND a girls name is surely a cross-dresser, and so that's promising, right? I figure this one is fun in parts and all uppity in parts.


RosieC said...

I've only read a couple of these, and come to the defense of none (except for maybe BRAVE NEW WORLD, but I have an extreme soft-spot for dystopian, anti-commie lit *cough*1984*cough*). And while I know that HEART OF DARKNESS isn't the RED BADGE OF COURAGE guy (RBC being the MOST painful book I read in my entire HS experience), I still have no desire to read it.

Thanks. Enjoyed the laugh this morning :)

Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

Actually, you know a lot about these books without having read them!

I think you'd enjoy "Heart of Darkness" though. :) Have you ever watched "Apocalypse Now"?

Natasha said...

You do know that Satanic Verses was banned in India, don't you. And since it was banned, and since I was in high-school and basically wanted to establish my anti-establishments credentials, I went ahead and got a copy of the book secreted to me.

I wanted to read the book, I really did (after all, didn't I have a point to prove), but couldn't get beyond a few pages. 'nuff said.

And the bum I lent the book too never returned it, so I don't even have a copy in my personal library :-(

Cruella Collett said...

I'm reading Heart of Darkness some day. It's the book I get to read because I didn't finish World of the Wars or whatever it was called (man, I didn't fall for that book). Also, I have a thing for the Congo.

As for your superpower, I think it is excellent. I think some of it has sprinkled onto me as well, because I have written a whole BUNCH of reviews-of-sorts on Twilight without ever having touched the book (well, I have touched it, as I sell it on a regular basis, and it would get tiresome to put on gloves each time...)

Hart Johnson said...

Rosie- why do they make kids READ Red Badge of Courage, ANYWAY!? Glad to know we've gott such agreement there!

Elizabeth-I've seen PARTS of Apolcalypse now, but never the whole thing... Is THAT was Heart of Darkness is like? I totally get an image of war.

Natasha-I didn't realize it was banned! And I can totally picture myself doing exactly that--wanting to read the banned book, but getting bogged in Rushdie doing his Rushdie thing...

Hart Johnson said...

Ha! Mari-you're sneaksey! *giggles at not falling for War of the Worlds* Okay... Congo good... But is it WAR? I just hate war books... nearly always...

ViolaNut said...

I'm mostly amused by some of these being bang on and some being SOOOOO far off. *snort* I mentioned Mailer in the Burrowictionary post last week (I might've left out the title though, but it's the "fug" one), and I do like Brave New World; Catcher in the Rye is good but not as good as English teachers are always going on about, Faulkner is NOT my friend, Dune is on my erm-no list as well (though James McAvoy is in the movie, and you know my opinion on the hot-Scot factor...). Yeah. Anyway. I need to read something now...

Unknown said...

I love it... especially Of Human Bondage. This is great. I want you to do more reviews.


CA Heaven said...

I had Ulysses on my reading list for a long time, but never got the guts to start ... so I read Dubliners instead. It's a lot easier and takes less time.

I appreciated you review, which convinced me that I can probably live a respectable life without reading Ulysses >:)

Cold As Heaven

LTM said...

LOL! Funniest. Post. Ever.

sniff... Hart. You crack me up. The Tart endorsement for the Satanic Verses... you'd better watch out! ;p

Hart Johnson said...

Leanne- Yeah, Dune the MOVIE, I keep trying to convince my kids to pick (ought to just grab it at the library, probably) because I think I can convince myself to spend 2 hours... and eye candy goes a long way.

Clarissa *wink* I will see if I can find some other lists of books I haven't read!

CaH--Dubliners! There we go! Cross-dressed Irish I can DEFINITELY get behind!

Leigh- I figure if I learn to be EVIL I might make faster progress with this Naked World Domination thing. Hey wait... here it is... I can make the people who won't go along wear TWEED! (makes me itchy just thinking about it!)

lisahgolden said...

I love it!

Jules said...

This was the best book review I have read, LOL. ULYSSES sold the deal. :D
Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Shaharizan Perez said...

You definitely need to read Catcher in the Rye. I have taught this book so many times and you know what, there is always another layer to the tormented psyche of Holden. It is a must!

Although Go Tell it on the Mountain is a song and there are church scenes in the book, Baldwin really talks about his experiences living in poverty and discovering his sexuality. There are several connotations to his homosexuality and the difficulties of coming to terms with it.

I've also read Baldwin's Giovanni's Room, which discusses sexuality in adulthood and the many complexities of a relationship.

February Grace said...

This was absolutely priceless.

I concur- more reviews in future, please!