18 November 2010

Delusional Thursday: Interviewing God

I had no particular a priori inspiration for today's blog. So I thought I'd do something a little different and actually pay attention to the daily category requirement. "Delusional", eh? Time to interview the Lord of the Universe, I think.

ME: Good morning, sir! Or perhaps I should say 'good afternoon'. What time is it where You are?

GOD: Thou sacreligious cur. How dare you set thyself above they fellow man and claim personal contact with Me?

ME: But I guess You're everywhere. So 'good morning' always works, right?

GOD: Thou shalt not proceed without disclaimer. Say thou that this conversation is a product of thy imagination and nothing more.

ME: You just said it Yourself. I doubt that adding my support will carry any extra weight with what's been proclaimed as divine truth. So: Seen any good movies lately?

GOD: I see all movies through every stage of development, production, and presentation.

ME: Of course You would. But hey, You get to watch them all for free, right? And read every book, and listen to every song--

GOD: It's hardly a treat.

ME: And that means You see all the naughty pictures and videos, too, doesn't it?

GOD: Don't go there, boy. I'm inclined to raise a mighty windstorm and blow thirty shingles off your roof, so you have to write this while a contractor is pounding in nails overhead.

ME: Um, that already happened.

GOD: I'm proactive.

ME: Point taken. Let's get back to movies. What'd You think of Avatar? It seemed pretty popular.

GOD: The narrative device is brilliant. Most films suffer from a lack of narrative, or are stuck with a forced voice-over. But Avatar incorporated the narration into the action through the protagonist's recording sessions.

ME: So it was a good movie?

GOD: The ecology on Pandora made me cringe. A decidedly amateur effort.

ME: Speaking of which, everyone's talking about life and the universe. How did You come up with the idea for Creation?

GOD: You wouldn't understand the answer.

ME: Oh. So You didn't just, You know, blow up a singularity and watch the thing evolve for 16 billion years?

GOD: That's ridiculous. Your universe is thousands of years old, not billions.

ME: Baloney. I'm not one to argue with God--

GOD: Yes, actually, you are.

ME: --but we've got dinosaur bones that are millions of years old, and rocks here on Earth that date back billions of years.

GOD: You do.

ME: So that stuff is fake?

GOD: Not at all. Everything from the Big Bang, through the evolution of life, to the first steps of mankind is perfectly causal in accordance with what you call the 'laws of physics'.

ME: Now I'm confused. Let's back up: Is there any divine intervention between the Big Bang and the appearance of man?

GOD: You are confused. You're conflating 'who' and 'how'. That period is 100% divine intervention, because every wobble of every subatomic speck is My creation. Nonetheless, I made it elegant. That is to say, the "natural" laws and initial conditions are sufficient to produce the results.

ME: Ha! Now I've got You. You created the Bang and some physical laws, then waited for man to evolve-- which took billions of years.

GOD: 'Waiting' is a fallacy. In that system, time has no meaning for Me. The creation is all one piece. One could say that, to you, the universe is billions of years old. But to Me, it is merely thousands of years old, beginning with the arrival of humans-- when I gave you Free Will-- at which point I allowed the universe to change and develop according to your decisions. Both perspectives are correct.

ME: Fine, have it Your way. Is there anything You can't do?

GOD: Generate a random number.

ME: Fair enough. Now let's get to the big question: Would You be so kind as to tell our readers what the correct religion is?

GOD: Don't be silly. There's so much variance within each religion that My revelation wouldn't improve people's behavior. In fact, it would make it worse-- with at least a small seed of doubt, people occasionally use other tools like reason and their own consciences. Take away that uncertainty, and you take away any grounds for argument with insufferable fools.

ME: Do You have any advice for our readers?

GOD: Yes. Don't believe what you read on blogs.

ME: Cute. But I'm not going to publish that answer.

GOD: We'll see.


ViolaNut said...




From your keyboard to - oh wait... ;-)

Natasha said...

Remind me never to have a cup of coffee in my hand while reading Jason's posts.
And a perfectly good cup of coffee it was too.

Unknown said...

I was giggling from beginning to end. Great post!

Hart Johnson said...

*giggles madly* I am late, as always, but loved this!