29 July 2010

Taff Teachings

Yay! It's Delusional Thursday, which means I don't have to pretend I am a sensible writer who blogs about things that will prove helpful to others.*grins* I mean, it's not that I don't like to blog about serious stuff, it's just that it's not really in my comfort zone, me being the slightly (very) crazy loon that I am.

So today boys and girls, I am going to make a start with your Taff lessons. Now Taff, for those of you who are ignorant of the term, is a Welsh thing. In the southern part of Wales, not too far from where I dwell, is an area referred to as the Taff Vale. Essentially, it is a small part of Wales peppered with lots of little villages. People from the Taff Vale have a language all of their own. Well, it's more a difference of dialect than language actually, but you know what I mean (or at least, you will do).

Taff speak, as I like to call it, is fairly simple for the most part. A variant of English, it's not so hard to learn; you just have to remember a few little rules.

Taff rules (or Taff Rules! if you are a graffiti artist who dwells in the valleys).

1 - Swear. A lot. Almost every sentence should have a swear word in there somewhere. To tone it down for blogging purposes, I tend to use words that rhyme with the original cuss word, and I swear a bit less than I should (but still more than is probably acceptable. *shifty*).

2 - Drop your h's from the beginning of words, and drop your g's from the end of words. Other letters are sometimes missed from the beginning or end of words too, while some letters change sounds - 's' becomes 'z' for instance - but it is far easier for you to see a block of text written in Taff to understand this rather than try to explain every single thing. The h's and the 'gs are the most important, so you should remember this, and then you can work from there.

3 - Make several shorter words into one long word (not forgetting to substitute those quirky letters). We Taffies tend to roll several words into one when we speak, and this is probably one of our most noticeable trends.

4 - Remember the core words/phrases of Taff speak and use them abundantly (see Taff dictionary below).

5 - Swear. A lot. Yes, I know this was rule number one, but it needed repeating. Most important!

6 - The most simple rule of all - type the words literally as they sound in Taff. Obviously most of you are not native Taffies, so this might sound like it would be difficult to do, but fear not, it is really very, very easy! All you have to do is misspell most of your words (see Taff text sample below [below the Taff dictionary below]).

Basic Taff Words and Phrases

Clart - Male person
Clit - Female person
Butt - friend/mate
Mucker - alternative for friend/mate.

like, innit - usually placed at the end of almost every sentence, eg: "I iz right ducked off now, like innit?"
youknowzitmakezsense - a very popular phrase here in the Kair of Diff (for the meaning of 'Kair of Diff', please review next phrase). One of those several words in one thingies - 'you know it makes sense'.
The Kair of Diff - what Taffies call 'Cardiff', which is the capital city of Wales, and also where this Taffy lives. *nods*
lush, tidy, bangin - all variations of describing something that is brilliant, lovely etc.
well '_____' - usually in place of 'very', as in, "Bluddy 'ell, that dinner was well lush, like innit!"
anallat - another popular phrase, this is another one of those several words in one thingies - 'and all that'.
I do - usually added to random phrases, normally when we say we like something - "I loves choclut I do, I loves it!"

I think that is most of the basics covered - definitely enough for a first lesson at any rate. Here comes that Taff text example now, so brace yourselves....

Oi oi butts! Tara yer, intraducing you to the way we speaks yer in the Kair of Diff. Itz probbly goin a lirrle bit ovah yer headz, like, but dunt fret allabourit coz soon it'll all make sense. Fer sum reason, like, lotzapeeps seem to really like this Taff speak, and I reckon they 'as good taste like, coz I bluddy loves it too, I do, I bluddy loves it. Anywayz, although I like 'xplained about the basic rules ov Taff speak, I fort I'd talk a lirrlebirrabou the clarts and clits ov my nayberood. You see, most of us Taffies likes a good rave like, wiv plenty of beer and stuff to gerrus in the right mood. We likes a good rave, we do, especially the clits coz they get to be true to their roots and be total slags. Now a Kairdiff slag is not a propa slag, itz just a nickname for the clits wot like to wear short skirts, and tops that flash their boobage. Youknowzitmakezsense!

Anywayz, dunt be purroff by the fact that we likes swearin, beer and raves like, coz mostly we iz a funluvvin communitee who just happen to be common as muck. Just becoz we swears alot and are a lirrlebi rowdy, we iz a nice bunch really, like innit? I mean, itz not like we iz bluddy crimnals for duckssake! Anywayz, I fink you probbly got the gist ov what we Taffies are like, like, so I iz goin terleeve it there I fink. Dunt want to confoose you more than you probbly already are, like innit?


Now for the good news! If you can understand the above two paragraphs, then you're well on your way to becoming fluent in Taff speak! How cool is that? (Er, maybe not very cool at all if you're not at least a little bit loopy). Further lessons are probably not going to be very useful now that I think about it, as I have explained almost everything you need to know in order to speak Taff. The way forward, if you choose to become proficient, is to practice. *nods* Further reading of Taff speak in general can be found on my blog under the genre label of 'Taffing' (youknowzitmakezsense!), including the debut post which introduced the unsuspecting public to Taffness in the first place. I hope you've enjoyed today's lesson, and I also hope that Taff speak will one day become a universally known language used by one and all.

Well, I can dream, can't I?

Taffy Tara over and out.


CA Heaven said...

Cool post. I think I was able to read most of the Taff text.

I'm a big fan of swearing myself. I'm not impressed by Hollywood movies and rap songs were they just repeat fuck and motherfucker over and over. But I enjoy it (like in the north of Winterland) when swearing is turned into an art, with a rich vocabulary of "bad" words suited for all circumstances. Personally I prefer religious swearing before sexual swearing (that's the two major types, I think), and I taught my kids to swear from young age. I allow the kids to swear when talking to me, but advise them to be more careful at school, hehe >:)

Cold As Heaven

Hart Johnson said...

I fort this wer a lush lesson anallat, like innut? but then tarts an clits and slags slogabout in the same ponds, I think.

(Loved, it, Tara!)

ViolaNut said...

I've decided, based on my limited knowledge of Welsh, that the interpolated emphatic "I do" comes from the fact that Welsh is, other than English (okay, and Cornish or something like that), the only language with the "meaningless do" in it (i.e. English "Do you like it?", French "L'aimes-tu?"). Youknowzitmakezsense. ;-)

Unknown said...

You had me hollering with laughter from the first paragraph.

I actually understood the paragraph above! *pats self on back*

Great post!

Amber T. Smith said...

Cold as Heaven - I agree. I think because swearing is just the 'done thing' in my area, I don't really have a problem with it. I dislike the F bomb coming out of the mouths of kids, and the four letter 'c' word is something I've only ever said a handful of times (when I'm REALLY peeved), but most words are just that - words. It's the meaning behind them that offends mostly, I think, and you can get really nasty without resorting to swearing, so swearing itself doesn't bother me.

My, what a ramble.... anywayz, yers a shiny gold star coz you like underztood the Taffy stuff. *hands over star*

Tami - cheers midears! Taff lessons are bluddy bangin, they are, bluddy bangin. *nods*

Leanne - *snort* Yeah, it's typical that the Welsh have a completely pointless 'do' in their vocabulary....

Chary - Taffing brings out the happiness in all. *nods wisely* And well done for understanding the Taffy text. *gives shiny star*

JournoMich said...

Oh, hell...This is hilarious! i can't attempt it...but I will tweet it!

Southern City Mysteries

Sue said...

Bloody brilliant. Think I'd fit in well ;)

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed this.
Do you know of anywhere where I might be able to purchase a Taff-Thai/Thai-Taff dictionary.

All the best, Boonsong

Helen A. Howell said...

Thiz iz bloody brilliant like wot i've not seen ya know innit?, Anywayz jus wanna say well dun, thas all Is got to sayz I fink, like innit.

Unknown said...

Yay! I got a shiny star!

*is worst than a kid getting stickers for good work*

Amber T. Smith said...

Ack.... late replying! *smacks job*

Michele - thanks! And thanks for the tweet (I should really get on there myself but have been putting it off).

Sue - EVERYONE fits in well in Taffland! In fact, the more of a misfit you are, the better you fit. Not that I'm saying you're a misfit, but you know what I mean. I hope. Lordy, sometimes things don't sound right when you type them...

Boonsong - alas, I don't know where you could get a Taff-Thai/Thai-Taff dictionary. But you know, when in doubt, make it up. *winks*

Helen - and a shiny gold star to you too for speaking like a true Taffy!

Chary - Yeah, I'm the same. I want a gold star too! *shakes fist*


Sue said...

Tundiel, no offense taken, in fact I'm quite chuffed for you to have noticed my misfitness through that little comment :P
And aren't jobs and chores a pain the way they intrude on the more enjoyable things in life *grrr*

Tina said...

If I can just get used to clit not being a word not usually mentioned in public, then I might get the hang of this. I certainly like swearing, and I believe in teaching the proper use of swear words. Wouldn't want anyone (say my teenage son) to show his ignorance in front of his peers...yes, I'm that kind of Mom. "No Jake, it's not a fuck mess, it's a fuckING mess. Get it right!"
Tina @ Life is Good