Topical Tuesday: Wikileaks strikes me

If you haven't heard about Wikileaks by now, then you obviously aren't connected to the Internet... which means you must be reading this from a printout that a friend made because you're both such big fans of the blog. Wow. Thanks!

So, having embarrassed the U.S. federal government (is that so hard, really?), the folks at Wikileaks have apparently gained the confidence to come after yours truly. It seems like a lot to take on at once, right? But when I inquired with my lawyer about the possibility of legal action, he pointed out that any action I might take against the 'Leakers would be like a crippled baby vulture trying to peck some flesh from a wounded moose that's surrounded by a pack of ravening sharks. He's obviously not a nature guy, but you get the point.

Now, I'm normally pretty careful with important documents, but in a way, that's what led to my downfall. I had most of my hard drive backed up with a remote data service, and they got hacked by a third party who sent my stuff to Wikileaks. My lawyer strongly advised me not to give the name of this remote data service, as they apparently can't be held liable and I cannot prove negligence. Personally, I think my lawyer is dating one of their lawyers, but if true, all the more reason to take his advice, right?

I considered paying blackmail, if a reasonable offer where made. But my lawyer strongly advised against that, saying that funds would be much more effective if spent on legal counsel. Surprise. Said lawyer also suggested that I could mitigate the damage by preemptively posting the most embarrassing documents myself, in a format where I would have a chance to present some kind of defense. He then advised me that his "suggestion" was just that, and not legal advice per se, so if the attempt failed miserably it was on my own head.

Nonetheless, it seems like a good idea. So here I present a representative sample of the documents that I expect Wikileaks to be posting within the next few weeks. I beg of you, do not judge me too harshly. Remember that I am not some silicon monolith, impervious to harm, but a mere human being-- weak, flawed, sensitive, and squishy.


Let's start with my email archives. There are quite a few things like this, which don't look so bad at first glance:

From: Joyce Baxter To: Jason Drake
Subject: Re: Re: Dinner tomorrow!

Oh no! Well, you have to take care of family. I hope she gets better
soon.

Love, Joyce

----- Original Message -----
From: Jason Drake
To: Joyce Baxter
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2010 11:08 PM
Subject: Re: Dinner tomorrow!

Bad news. My grandma is in the hospital. I can't make it. :-(
Sorry.

----- Original Message -----
From: Joyce Baxter
To: Jason Drake
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2010 6:32 PM
Subject: Dinner tomorrow!

I'm on my way to pick up mom & dad at the airport. See you tomorrow night
at six. They're excited to meet you!

Love,
Joyce


But then there's more:

From: Alan Redlan To: Jason Drake
Subject: Re: Re: Moving Day

Bummer, dude. Well, I'm sure you tried. Take care.
- Al

----- Original Message -----
From: Jason Drake
To: Alan Redlan
Sent: Friday, May 28, 2010 9:31 AM
Subject: Re: Moving Day

Bad news. My grandma is in the hospital. I can't make it. :-(
Sorry.

----- Original Message -----
From: Alan Redlan
To: catmatch31, Jason Drake, Cindy Lane, tankman, goose_catcher
Sent: Thursday, May 27, 2010 8:15 PM
Subject: Moving Day

Hey, gang, we're all set. Let's meet at my old place Saturday morning at 8. With
everyone pitching in, it shouldn't take too long. Pizza is on me. Thanks again!


Well, I'm sorry. Who doesn't fib a little? But I've already got my comeuppance:

From: Silverlady To: Jason Drake
Subject: Re: Re: Missed you today

Thanks for your concern, dear. But I'm feeling just fine.
See you Tuesday.

Love,
Grandma

----- Original Message -----
From: Jason Drake
To: Silverlady
Sent: Monday, July 19, 2010 5:02 PM
Subject: Re: Missed you today

Bad news. My grandma is in the hospital. I can't make it. :-(
Sorry.

----- Original Message -----
From: Silverlady
To: Jason Drake
Sent: Monday, July 19, 2010 4:00 PM
Subject: Missed you today

Hi, Jason. I thought you were going to mow my lawn today??????
Can you make it tomorrow?????


At least with email, you have the expectation that other people are reading your words. But I also use my computer for a personal journal, writing down ideas, and stuff like that. It's really just a way of recording some thoughts, which makes publication of documents like this a pretty unfair intrusion:

BRAINSTORM -- MEETING WOMEN

Online Dating
Pro: Can tweak images before uploading so those shallow tarts will have a chance to judge me on my inner qualities
Con: Deceitful witches likely to use altered images, making it hard to weed out the uglies


Church, general
Pro: Good for weeding out freaks with lots of piercings and tattoos
Con: Insincere intentions could lead to eternal damnation

Pro: Nice, virtuous women
Con: No easy women. Will have to buy the cow before tasting the milk

Catholic
Pro: Colorful services with lots of music; mass has good production value
Con: Tithing

Jewish
Pro: Women desperate for same-faith partners are notoriously easy
Con: Honestly have no idea if the above is true, just saw it in a movie

Mormon
Pro: Unusually high percentage of buxom women
Con: Will have to spend rest of life taking coffee on the sly


Workplace
Pro: Easy access, lots of interaction
Con: Can't lie about my job


Star Trek Conventions
Con: No actual women
Pro: But, still, I'd be at a Trek convention, which is awesome

Just idle, random thoughts. Think of it as more like a dream I can't control than a collection of actual opinions and plans. Also, if anyone has any novel ideas, please share.


Next comes the following, which-- at first glance-- is a little too organized to be classified as "idle musing":



Folks, I was testing out some spreadsheet functions. That's it. There is nothing "real" about that document. I swear!


Finally, the worst of the lot: poetry. Most of us think of poetry as something that shows up in literature books, or gets read at an inauguration. But a lot of people write poems that are never intended to be published or shared in any way. It's just an outlet for personal feelings.

Earlstorm

Carroll and Schneider had made their plan
And watched the NFL draft unfurl
When the time came for pick number eight
They took Okung, he's solid, great
But at fourteen came Thomas, Earl!

Safeties are rarely drafted so high
Had the front office botched the deal?
Earl was young, but manly
And his instincts, uncanny
He might actually be a steal!

By opening day, Earl was the starter
He took the field in a streak of blue light
With the veteran Milloy, he'd get things done
They were like the holy Father and Son
Leading the glorious fight!

The San Diego Chargers came to town
A frightening offensive juggernaut
Thundering down the field, again and again
The hated Chargers seemed destined to win
Their quarterback's hand was hot

Seattle lost the lead, but took it once more
As the clock ran down, the Chargers needed a score
Again came the storm of passes complete
Against a secondary that was tired and beat
But on the goal line in this hour so trying
Patrolled mighty Earl, with dreadlocks a-flying
He shadowed a receiver-- an incomplete throw!
The Chargers had but one down to go
They huddled up and made their best call
The quarterback dropped, made a perfect read
Hurled the football with precision and speed
And Earl intercepted the ball!

Okay, I love Earl Thomas. There. I said it. But ninety-nine out of ninety-five Seattle Seahawk fans would say the same (four will be drunk and repeat themselves). I mean, look at this guy play! That's not even his best pick, and only one of two against the Chargers!


Well, that's that. If my humiliation isn't complete, it will be after I pay this bill from my lawyer.

Cheers,
Jason

Let The Books Inspire

When all else fails when it comes to inspiration, there's nothing better to get the creative juices flowing than reading a good book. If you're anything like me, then I bet you find yourself sometimes rewriting a scene in your head, or maybe changing the ending of a story that didn't quite satisfy you. The thing with any story is that there is always more you can add. Maybe something at the beginning to explain a bit of back story, or perhaps the middle section needed a little something extra to draw out (or speed up) the plot. Perhaps you had a favourite character that didn't get enough page time, or maybe you think a character acted a little differently than expected and you feel a little tweaking could improve things.

You may find yourself completely rewriting the worst book you have ever read, thinking that anything would be better that what was on the page. On the other hand, perhaps you have a favourite book that you loved so much that you wished it would never end. Maybe a sequel is needed, eh? *winks*

No matter what, reading something, whether it's good or bad, usually makes your brain tick over. There are a number of reading options you could choose if you wanted to wake up your Writing Mojo.

Pick A Favourite - Always a good bet, this one, because being a favourite probably means you have read the book (or books) several times, so it's like slipping on a pair of comfy old slippers. I usually find that picking up my dog-eared copies of the Potter books, or The Lord of The Rings for example, really relaxes me, and feeling relaxed is half the battle when it comes to writing. If you are stressed out, chances are you are going to end up staring at a blank page instead of filling it with lots of lovely words.


Pick A Favourite Author - Similar to picking a favourite book, this has all of the same advantages, but if you can find a book that you haven't read yet, then it has the added bonus of engaging your mind. You'll probably find yourself working out the storyline without realising it, and this is good exercise for those little Plotting Cells that are maybe being a wee bit idle at the moment due to lack of inspiration.

Go For Something Different - This is a 50/50 thing really, because it's highly possible that you won't enjoy the book and you'll end up feeling dissatisfied. But - and this is a big but! - if you are lucky, you will be pleasantly surprised and may find yourself really enjoying your new discovery. This one worked for me in a major way last year and led to me writing my first complete novel (yes, it still needs editing, but the main story is complete). I've always leaned towards fantasy-based books for the most part, and had been trying to write the same genre for my first novel. On a whim, I picked up a bunch of chick-lit books one day, and although they will never be my first choice for reading material, I thoroughly enjoyed them and ended up writing a chick-lit for last year's NaNoWriMo.

So reading not only brings pleasure, extends your vocabulary, and is just generally an excellent thing to do, it can also give you that little push that you need to work on your own projects. Reading is brilliant! Reading is fabulous! Reading is fandabbydosy!

But hey, you already knew that, right?


Image courtesy of publicdomainimagesdotnet

Blog post hijacked

"Hi, I'm Batman, and this is my brother, Robin."
"No way, I'm Batman. You can be Robin."
"No, I am Batman."
"You were Batman yesterday. Today it is my turn to be Batman."
"I'm older than you, I am Batman."
"If you don't let me be Batman, I will cry loudly."
"Don't. Then Mamma will come, and she'll find out what we are doing."

"Waaaaaaa!"
"Okay, okay. You be Batman. Cry baby."
"Bully!!!"
"I'm not a bully."
"And I am Batman, and you are Robin."
"I don't want to be Robin. Idea. You be Phineas and I will be Ferb."
"Okay."
"We'll try it again, okay." *clears throat. "Hi, I'm Ferb and this is my brother Phineas."

*waves* "Hi."
"I am seven years old, and my brother is four years old."
"No, I am five years old."
"No you are not. You are four years old."
"I am almost five years old."
"But now you are only four years old. Baby."
"But next month I will be five years old."
"So what? Now you are only four."
"Last month, you were six years old, but you told everyone you were seven years old. So I am five years old."
"That was last month. Now I am seven years old, and you are four years old."
"Bully. I am almost five years old."
"Okay, okay. Don't fight, you don't want Mamma to come do you?"

"Mamma will not come now. She is on an "office call"."
"How do you know?"
"Because she unlocked Disney XP so we could watch Power Rangers. She lets us watch Power Rangers only when she has "office call"."
"Yes. Yes. Yes."
"I wonder why she is always doing "office call"."
"Because she is in a new office. This office is an 'merica, so she has to talk to them in the night."
"She is in a new office?"
"Yes."
"Not the old office."
"No."
"I liked the old office. Everyone played with me, and told me I was cute."
"And the uncles all played football with me in the office, and the aunties gave me chocolates."
"Yes, it was fun."
"But this office is nice too. We get to watch Power Rangers. And use Mamma's computer."

"But you don't let me use the computer."
"That is because you are too small. First you learn to read, then you can use the computer."
"I am a baby. I can't read."
"You are going to be in grade 1 next year. You have to learn to read."
"But I don't like reading."
"Don't you want to lie down on the bed with Mamma and me and read your own book?"
"No. It is more fun if you or Mamma reads to me."
"But Mamma has said she is not going to read any more. She says you have to start reading yourself."
"If Mamma doesn't read, then you read for me."
"Why should I?"
"Because you are my big brother. And brothers always help each other."
"Who says?"
"Mamma."
"What does Mamma know. She doesn't have any brothers or sisters."
"But she says brothers should always love each other. So you have to read to me."
"Okay. Okay. Now what do you want to say to Mamma's friends about Mamma?"

"She looks like Minnie Mouse."
"She doesn't."
"Yes, she does."
"But she doesn't even wear a bow like Minnie Mouse."
"But she dances like Minnie Mouse. Not a proper dance."
"Mamma will not like if you tell her friends she looks like Minnie Mouse."
"Why not?"
"I know she will not. And if you tell her, she will tell you that you look like Mickey Mouse and take your picture."

"Why is Mamma always taking pictures?"
"I don't know. She likes it."
"I like it when she takes my picture."
"But you always make faces."
"I like making faces. I practice my faces, then make faces when she is taking pictures. You should do it also."
"Okay. And what else do we tell people about Mamma."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING WITH MY COMPUTER. I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY COMPUTER. TWO MINUTES I GO AWAY, AND.........."



Phineas and Ferb
Power Rangers
Minnie Mouse

Feline Domestic Domination Plan

The Tart would never admit this, but nudists aren't the only ones intent on taking over the world. In fact the holidays are a PURRRFECT time for the superior species to exert our authority and show those pesky humans who the real brains are.

Oh... by the way... I'm Cali—resident feline of Chez Tart, and not nearly as dumb as I pretend to be (though I admit to being a bit clumsy). I have distracted the Tart with a faux Nudist Retreat brochure and she has gone off seeking it. I sent the Tartlets after candy and Mr. Tart is walking the fur ball. Anyhoo... I have begun an easy seven-point plan for how a cat can solidly take over her household by Christmas, and then a list of resolutions for the coming year.


1. Assert authority over all decorations that go on surfaces: tables, shelves, floors. Do this by batting them to the middle of the floor. If they don't break and are round, knock them around and play (ideally loudly). If they are NOT round, grab them with your front paws and kick them with your back paws, chewing from time to time to keep your incisors sharp. If you can knock off pieces or shred something, this is perfect, but whatever the case, make your authority very clear.


2. Show the tree who is boss: Trees are for CLIMBING. Cats climb. Cats also bat at ornaments well and batted hard enough, ornaments WILL fly off (and most will then ROLL! WAHOO!). Pine needles even have a lovely gin flavor, so you really ought to chew on them from time to time.


3. There is NOTHING more satisfying than wrestling with a tree skirt: You can also twist them, hide under them, and if you run and then LAND on them, they will even sometimes spin around the tree! Either that, or it will topple the whole tree, which is COOL!

4. PRESENTS! Presents are covered in PAPER and RIBBON and they usually sit in BOXES or BAGS... Is there ANYTHING better than boxes, bags, paper and ribbon? NO! This is cat HEAVEN. In fact presents should happen EVERY DAY. When cats are in charge, they will!

5. Stockings. Stockings are HUNG, yeah? And things that are HUNG can be SWUNG from!!! They can also be leaped at and climbed (all the better to reach the candlesticks on the mantle, yes?) It is best to try climbing ALL the stockings, as one might just suit you better than the others, but surely you should start with anything knit—that way you can leave your identifying marks and nobody gives credit to... say the dog.

6. There is an extra opportunity to trip people during the holidays, especially if you lurk under the tree. For starters, people have to walk a slightly different path than they normally do, so they are a little wrong-footed to begin with, so if you leap out just in front of them, you are in for some good times!


7. This is NOT the time to let your hunting tactics get rusty: In fact people are more likely to dress up, so there is an extra opportunity to snag stockings and leave fur on black or white slacks. Satin and silk may come out... I know you know what I mean. Sharpen those claws, lurk in every corner you can find, and practice those attacks!


After Christmas, be sure to climb in any spare boxes crumpling the tissue paper as often as possible. Sit in all the boxes because people think it's really cute and they let their guard down, and begin batting the tree branches regularly. The needles have gotten really dry and they will fly a long way if you hit the branch just right. And if there are clothes that people got as gifts and leave sitting out before they are put in closets or drawers, be sure to sleep on each item—preferably several times, favoring items with maximum contrast in coloring and made in fibers that really stick well to cat hair.

And be sure to act really cute and cuddly from time to time, because surely there will be eggnog around at least until New Years!

Uh oh. I better run. I hear somebody grumbling about clothes-loving cloff-prunkers.

Writing Wednesday: Frustrated and Stressed from Writer's Block

Image: Wikimedia Commons, Godward

Lately, I have had great difficulty in overcoming time management. It's been challenging because my schedule is so full. I'm a full-time high school teacher with three children (ranging in age from 7-16), a husband and a large extended family. When I get home at 5:00 pm, I am in Mommy-mode up until about 10:00 pm. My youngest is a struggling reader and writer. Reading comprehension, spelling and transferring her thoughts to paper are her greatest weakness. I work intensively with her to overcome this with some teaching strategies I use with my special education students. By the time my children are in bed, I am too exhausted to write.

Additionally, I have both a mom and grandmother who have suffered from strokes and help out taking care of them on the weekends. We are a very tight-knit family. Whenever someone is in trouble, we all pitch in to help one another out. Also, because my family is so large (22 great grandchildren, 20 grandchildren and four generations of Santanas presently alive) there seems to always be a birthday, wedding, poker party and various other engagements to attend.

Image: Wikimedia Commons, Renoir

Also, there is my career choice which involves lesson planning, grading (homework, class work, projects, exams), creating individualized education plans and the never-ending staff meetings. I often skip lunch so that the workload I take home isn't so overwhelming. Because I am a coordinator, I manage teacher's assistants and adapt class work to the present levels of performance for a handful of students with disabilities. And although it may sound like I am making excuses, I feel as though these aspects of my life take priority over my writing.

Consequently, being the problem solver that I am, I figured I should look at some websites (listed below). There are several suggestions that are similar in each website. They are:

1. Unplug the internet to lessen distractions.
2. Read blogs and other writing-related materials to get the "juices" flowing.
3. Brainstorm, outline and use graphic organizers to focus your thoughts and your writing.
4. Change the location of your usual writing space.
5. Exercise, go for a walk/run/jog.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

While all of these are really good suggestions, they don't address time management. The Watery Tart has made bath time a priority and succeeds in getting her writing done. The problem with this for me is that my 7-year-old will either stand outside the door and carry on conversations or she'll knock incessantly until she gets a response. I'm often frustrated, confused as to how to manage the writing, and very often upset with myself because I haven't so far. I don't know if the other Burrowers have solved the issue of time management (your suggestions are more than welcome).

Image: Wikimedia Commons

What are some ways that you, as a writer, have overcome the issue of "not enough time in the day?" I would really appreciate any help possible.



Here are the sites I found to be very informative:

http://thefuturebuzz.com/2008/12/03/how-to-overcome-writers-block/


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hillary-rettig/how-to-overcome-writers-b_b_739536.html


http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/block.html


http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1495637/how_to_overcome_writers_block.html

'Tis the season...

I could finish that sentence so many ways, and most of them would not fit the meter of good ol' Deck the Halls very well at all... Or I could follow in the well-trodden footsteps of my fellow retail-slave and vent about the rude customers and stressed-out workers that will be filling every store...

Or I could actually take the "season" part literally, and say "Hey! Where's my snow?!?"

Friends have reported snow in Minneapolis and New York, in Russia (and Alaska...) and Scotland, but here in Boston I've spotted nary a flake. Had a small dusting out in the suburbs where I work today, but at home? Not even a hint. I'm sure many of my neighbors are cheering this fact - after all, no snow means no shoveling, no trudging through drifts to the train, no fighting for cleared parking spots. But it also means ugly bare branches, brown frozen earth clods, and the need to bundle up without the reward of throwing a snowball at the bratty kid down the street.


The picture up there is from a particularly nasty storm that hit us about 4 years ago; note the three different rescue vehicles all trying to make it up the hill, which hadn't yet been plowed. That's the thing about living next door to an elementary school - on weekdays, you'd better believe we get plowed out first thing. Weekends, though? Not so much. I was about 3 hours late to work that day, as despite having my car fully dug out by about 9:30 AM, the plows didn't come through until sometime past noon, and if those vehicles (with their four-wheel drive and snow tires no less) couldn't get out, I sure wasn't going to risk my neck trying.

But one of the greatest things about a snowstorm is the absolutely guilt-free day of reading and relaxing that comes when work is canceled completely. I don't care how old you get, a snow day never quite loses its magic - a day that had been consigned to the usual drudgery redeemed by beautiful (if dangerous) white, staying indoors and drinking hot chocolate (by the pint, in my case - damn, I love hot chocolate!), and snuggling down with the book or movie I've been saving for just such an uninterrupted stretch. One year I blew through three Philippa Gregory novels during a storm; another I settled in for a Pixar movie marathon while knitting a complicated pair of twisted-stitch gauntlets for my best friend.

So maybe it's no wonder that I'm a wee bit crankier than usual so far this December - but if you happen to wander by the day after we do finally get a good snowfall (because I simply must believe that it will arrive), you might want to keep an eye out for flying snowballs. You know. Just in case.

Why You Under No Circumstances Should Buy Books As Christmas Presents

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Christmas is drawing near. I’ve noticed. How could I not. As some of you know, I work part time in a bookstore. Since I finished my thesis (which explains my recent absence, and my even recenter return), the “part time” has become full time. Or rather, all time, at least until all Christmas presents are neatly tucked away under plastic and pine trees all across the country. You see, until I start “real” work in Tokyo, Japan, early 2011, I am trying to save up money so that I won’t have to live on nothing but rice and ramen noodles during my stay in Japan. Consequently, I work a lot.

Now, why am I telling you this today, on a Reading Monday? Well, the key word in the previous paragraph was “bookstore”. As Christmas is nearing, people are climbing out from every hidey-hole to purchase Christmas presents. Books make excellent Christmas presents. As an employee in a bookstore, I am obliged to say so. But in reality, I secretly wish people wouldn’t listen. You see, pre-Christmas in a bookstore (in fact, in most retail businesses, I would imagine) is CRAZY. Bonkers, absolutely nuts. And not the good kind that requires a nutcracker. Gone are such trifle things as courtesy, politeness and common sense. (If you don’t believe me, you should read what a very wise person wrote on this very subject almost exactly a year ago. She even wrote about it more than once!)

Now, I don’t have a problem with people buying books, in general. It’s people buying books as gifts. You see, this constitutes a problem because a)this often means they ask for recommendations beyond the stage “if you liked X, you will like Y” (in fact, many want me to tell them what to buy for people they know next to nothing about, and they expect me to come up with brilliant suggestions); b)this almost always means they want the books gift wrapped.

I don’t know how common this is other places in the world, but in Norway, at least, most bookstores offer gift wrapping as part of the service. Usually this is something I don’t mind, as I actually enjoy it, and books are easy to wrap anyway. The problem is that during December we usually have several times as many customers as usual, and they each buy more books per head than normal. And most of those books are gifts.

Let’s do some math (because, as a historian, that is what I most capable of...). The previous Saturday was the third to last Saturday before Christmas. This, in all likelihood, makes it the third most busy day this year. We were open from 10 am to 7 pm, 9 hours total. Judging by the total amounts of earnings that day, and a broad guess of the approximate average total spending per customer, I think it is fair to assume that we had about 400 customers in the store that day. When it’s a busy day like that, I spend between 30 seconds and 1 minute per customer, if the exchange consists of nothing else than the normal polite phrases, paying for the purchase and putting it in a bag. That even includes writing a gift receipt and giving out a pre-rolled roll of wrapping paper.

Now, after having worked in the business for some eight years, I am a speedy wrapper. However, even at my pace, it’ll still take 30 seconds to 1 minute extra per book per customer if they insist on gift wrapping. That means that the time spent per customer is at least doubled, possibly tripled (and so on, depending on the amount of books they purchase).

If we assume that we had 400 customers (and remember I am only counting paying customers. Thus, anyone [and this is a considerable number too] asking a question but not actually buying anything, is not accounted for in this example) this Saturday. That means that the total amount of time spent on customers without gift wrapping is 400 x 1 minute = 400 minutes = 6 hours and 40 minutes. If you add one gift per customer, that doubles the time, hence we’re up in 13 hours and 20 minutes. Of course, I’m not alone in the store, so our 9 opening hours are multiplied by the number of employees. On Saturday we were five (but none of us work the entire shift – so in total we had about 35 hours of total employed time). You might say that out of 35 hours, a little over 13 hours in handling customers is not so much. True, but remember that this does not account for the non-sale exchanges with customers. We all easily spend between two and three hours answering questions, recommending books and giving directions to the exact location of books. This means another 15 hours. In addition we spend time on unpacking things we’ve ordered, contacting customers that have ordered books and tidying up the store (Christmas shoppers are also messy!).

Our hours simply don’t cover it all. All through December there are things left undone, and as a consequence, we try to limit the activities we can save time on. Like gift wrapping. We ask, politely, if each customer kindly would accept a complimentary roll of wrapping paper, which will save us some time, and limit the waiting line. Most people understand this, as most people know how annoying it is to wait in line. However, some people just don’t accept these terms. “I don’t have the time to do it” (Really? I’ve just told you, it literally takes a minute – perhaps two since you don’t have my training); “It looks prettier when you do it” (Perhaps, but honestly, how much of a difference does it make when I give you the same paper, and I am also willing to give you the same ribbon I would have used?); and my personal favourite: “I don’t know how.” Seriously. You don’t know how to gift wrap a book? It is flat, rectangular, and it doesn’t move around. If you don’t have the physiology to put wrapping paper around a book, I highly doubt you are capable of functioning in the modern society. You can navigate an iPhone, but you can’t wrap a book? Right...

I try not to argue too much with the customers who insist on gift wrapping even if it does mean longer waiting lines for everyone. Not because the customer is always right (that is a truth of moderation, if you ask me), but because it takes longer (approx. 2-4 minutes) arguing with a riled-up Christmas shopper than it does to wrap the darned book. But I sometimes make a point of picking a ribbon that doesn’t go with the paper. It’s just my way of spitting in their food.

Anyway, since I’m tired of having this argument, I thought it was time to settle it once and for all. Thus, here is a quick tutorial for how to wrap a book (feel free to go “duh” any moment now...):

Step 1: place book on an appropriately size of wrapping paper (the piece in the picture is slightly big, because I was too lazy to cut it properly). Warning! Beware of paper cuts! 

Mornings in Jenin by Susan Abulhawa is incidentally an excellent choice if you do insist on buying books for Christmas this year. Or for any other occasion for that matter. 

Step 2: Fold the paper around the book.

Step 3: Fold the other end in, and then around the book. Secure with tape.

Step 4: Fold and tuck in the right edge, secure with tape. Repeat on left side.

Step 5: Turn around. Voila! Wrapped book! If you want ribbon on the book, proceed to step 6.

Step 6: Pull ribbon around the book. Secure with knot. 

Step 7: Curl edges with sharp object, such as scissors. Warning! Don't cut yourself!  

Step 8: Curl up curled ribbon ends into ball. Tuck it under the knot. And you're done. Finito. It's that simple. I swear. You can do it! 

I may have bored you with my numbers and my mock tutorial, but the message is clear: please, please, continue buying books. BUT do you have to buy them as presents? And even if you do, reconsider asking the store personnel to gift wrap it, at least this close to Christmas...