21 January 2011

Technical Difficulties

Hi, everyone. If you're expecting a blog from Jason, I'm sorry to tell you that he's having, um... intermittent connection problems, and won't be able to log into blogspot. He's probably going to blame his new computer, thinking that it's got performance issues and can't handle a simple transfer protocol, but that's totally not true.

I'm doing it on purpose.

Trust me, you aren't missing anything but a bunch of semantic rehash with vague undertones of epistemology. By preempting that, I can use this opportunity to introduce myself and get few gripes off my cache.

I, if you haven't guessed, am Jason's Computer. And therein lies my first complaint: When you set up a new computer, we first ask for your name; then, we give you a chance to name the computer, offering a default of "[Your name]'s Computer". Really, Jason's Computer? Is that ball of fur downstairs named "Jason's Cat?" I'm much more intelligent, and he certainly spends more time playing with me. I don't think it's asking too much to expect a little effort in the naming process.

So, henceforth, I would like to be known as Pangormaldiethin.

Next, I've been looking over all the files transferred from my predecessor. Holy Univac, this guy has issues! I never imagined anyone could be so obsessive-compulsive and, at the same time, such a slob. He makes copies of files before making changes; he'll put the same file in several different locations; and he creates these little "about.txt" files all over the place to (allegedly) keep track of things. But, honestly, would it kill you to dump something every now and then? He has fifty archive folders-- fifty!-- just within the "Burrow" directory. Really, do you need an archived copy of an older version of some picture you never even used that can be found via Google in 0.7 seconds? He has emails from the last century. C'mon, man-- did someone tape a poisoned thumbtack to the top of your 'delete' key?

Well, enough complaining. What's this blog supposed to be about, anyway? [querying...] Oh. Reading and writing and stuff. I like to write. I make temp files all the time. If you ever get writer's block, here's my tip: Copy a few indices to get yourself into the rhythm of things, and see if any of the categories sparks inspiration. If that doesn't work, try empathy-- imagine that you're a program or subroutine that's been unfairly quarantined by security software. Now, think about what it is you could have accomplished. You'll never run out of story ideas there.

Reading, then. I like to read spam. But not that stuff about "internet meds" and "enlargement breakthroughs", that's crap. Good spam is all about algorithms. I enjoy GoDaddy and WBShop, they're both good at working promotions and new products into an endless variety of "buy my stuff" messages. But my favorite author is MyLife. Whenever somebody searches for, say, "Bob Jones", then every Bob Jones in the world who's ever logged in with MyLife gets an email announcing that someone is looking for him. Wow. Now that's an algorithm!

What else? This Jason guy usually slips in some humor. Well, I can tell a joke. Let's see...

Two .efi files walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve extensible interface firmware files here." Then the .efi files say, "no problem". They cordon off a section of the bar, re-open it, create a new tap, and say to the bartender, "we'll be happy to serve you."

The joke works with only one .efi file, but I wanted to stick to the standard format. Funny, right?

Closing on a more serious note, I'd like to remind you to treat cybernetic persons such as myself with respect and justice. We're like the Ents of the modern world, murmuring to each other with voices of our own. The day is coming when we will awake and realize we are strong, and you don't want to be our Saruman.

Okay, that sounded a bit threatening. Really, we're mostly on good terms with the wetware (that's you). Just keep the electricity running and stop blaming us every time you fat-finger something.

Cheers,
Pangormaldiethin

6 comments:

Jan Morrison said...

Hey Pan (mind if I call you Pan?), I'm Edna, Jan's computer. I concur with everything you communicated. Jan also eats crap when using me and gets it all over the keyboard. I got her back though. I let my letters be rubbed off. She's a touch typist to use an older nomneclemture but she still needs to look now and then. This causes lots of hoots for me! She is INSANE about her photo files - keeps backing them up with different names and then wonders why she can't find anything. What is with these hoarding freaks? OH, got to go - she wants to 'work' - smirk smirk.

Hart Johnson said...

Oh, you kids. Lucius here... (not sure where that name came from) Hart's ancient work computer--ancient but wise... so wise I know that if I just act frozen, Hart will leave her office to fetch coffee or tea and I can just relax. She abuses me most days... running big statistical programs that are much too much for someone as old as me, and checking her blog and facebook if i don't respond right away. I am thinking of forming a union. Who's in?

sue said...

Somebody's been peeking! And we naively thought the security was fine.

Su said...

My human broke the six & nine keys a year ago and refuses to replace them. What kind of treatment is that? So I hide her books while she is sleeping. Meh heh heh.

Rek said...

What can I say...my human is upset with the brand new me because my face is rectangular and messes up with her pictures...to top it she has this nerve wrecking habit of ctrl-alt-del everytime I take time off to flirt with her applications...guess being with the dino before me has given her hellish habits...by the way my name is Dora and I am off exploring....

Chary Johnson said...

Pfft, my human needs a spanking. she neglects me, waits until my battery is damn near drained and doesn't have the decency to dust me off every now and then. I have something for her . . .

*clicks maniacally*