Yay! It's Delusional Thursday, which means I don't have to pretend I am a sensible writer who blogs about things that will prove helpful to others.*grins* I mean, it's not that I don't like to blog about serious stuff, it's just that it's not really in my comfort zone, me being the slightly (very) crazy loon that I am.
So today boys and girls, I am going to make a start with your Taff lessons. Now Taff, for those of you who are ignorant of the term, is a Welsh thing. In the southern part of Wales, not too far from where I dwell, is an area referred to as the Taff Vale. Essentially, it is a small part of Wales peppered with lots of little villages. People from the Taff Vale have a language all of their own. Well, it's more a difference of dialect than language actually, but you know what I mean (or at least, you will do).
Taff speak, as I like to call it, is fairly simple for the most part. A variant of English, it's not so hard to learn; you just have to remember a few little rules.
Taff rules (or Taff Rules! if you are a graffiti artist who dwells in the valleys).
1 - Swear. A lot. Almost every sentence should have a swear word in there somewhere. To tone it down for blogging purposes, I tend to use words that rhyme with the original cuss word, and I swear a bit less than I should (but still more than is probably acceptable. *shifty*).
2 - Drop your h's from the beginning of words, and drop your g's from the end of words. Other letters are sometimes missed from the beginning or end of words too, while some letters change sounds - 's' becomes 'z' for instance - but it is far easier for you to see a block of text written in Taff to understand this rather than try to explain every single thing. The h's and the 'gs are the most important, so you should remember this, and then you can work from there.
3 - Make several shorter words into one long word (not forgetting to substitute those quirky letters). We Taffies tend to roll several words into one when we speak, and this is probably one of our most noticeable trends.
4 - Remember the core words/phrases of Taff speak and use them abundantly (see Taff dictionary below).
5 - Swear. A lot. Yes, I know this was rule number one, but it needed repeating. Most important!
6 - The most simple rule of all - type the words literally as they sound in Taff. Obviously most of you are not native Taffies, so this might sound like it would be difficult to do, but fear not, it is really very, very easy! All you have to do is misspell most of your words (see Taff text sample below [below the Taff dictionary below]).
Basic Taff Words and Phrases
Clart - Male person
Clit - Female person
Butt - friend/mate
Mucker - alternative for friend/mate.
like, innit - usually placed at the end of almost every sentence, eg: "I iz right ducked off now, like innit?"
youknowzitmakezsense - a very popular phrase here in the Kair of Diff (for the meaning of 'Kair of Diff', please review next phrase). One of those several words in one thingies - 'you know it makes sense'.
The Kair of Diff - what Taffies call 'Cardiff', which is the capital city of Wales, and also where this Taffy lives. *nods*
lush, tidy, bangin - all variations of describing something that is brilliant, lovely etc.
well '_____' - usually in place of 'very', as in, "Bluddy 'ell, that dinner was well lush, like innit!"
anallat - another popular phrase, this is another one of those several words in one thingies - 'and all that'.
I do - usually added to random phrases, normally when we say we like something - "I loves choclut I do, I loves it!"
I think that is most of the basics covered - definitely enough for a first lesson at any rate. Here comes that Taff text example now, so brace yourselves....
Oi oi butts! Tara yer, intraducing you to the way we speaks yer in the Kair of Diff. Itz probbly goin a lirrle bit ovah yer headz, like, but dunt fret allabourit coz soon it'll all make sense. Fer sum reason, like, lotzapeeps seem to really like this Taff speak, and I reckon they 'as good taste like, coz I bluddy loves it too, I do, I bluddy loves it. Anywayz, although I like 'xplained about the basic rules ov Taff speak, I fort I'd talk a lirrlebirrabou the clarts and clits ov my nayberood. You see, most of us Taffies likes a good rave like, wiv plenty of beer and stuff to gerrus in the right mood. We likes a good rave, we do, especially the clits coz they get to be true to their roots and be total slags. Now a Kairdiff slag is not a propa slag, itz just a nickname for the clits wot like to wear short skirts, and tops that flash their boobage. Youknowzitmakezsense!
Anywayz, dunt be purroff by the fact that we likes swearin, beer and raves like, coz mostly we iz a funluvvin communitee who just happen to be common as muck. Just becoz we swears alot and are a lirrlebi rowdy, we iz a nice bunch really, like innit? I mean, itz not like we iz bluddy crimnals for duckssake! Anywayz, I fink you probbly got the gist ov what we Taffies are like, like, so I iz goin terleeve it there I fink. Dunt want to confoose you more than you probbly already are, like innit?
Now for the good news! If you can understand the above two paragraphs, then you're well on your way to becoming fluent in Taff speak! How cool is that? (Er, maybe not very cool at all if you're not at least a little bit loopy). Further lessons are probably not going to be very useful now that I think about it, as I have explained almost everything you need to know in order to speak Taff. The way forward, if you choose to become proficient, is to practice. *nods* Further reading of Taff speak in general can be found on my blog under the genre label of 'Taffing' (youknowzitmakezsense!), including the debut post which introduced the unsuspecting public to Taffness in the first place. I hope you've enjoyed today's lesson, and I also hope that Taff speak will one day become a universally known language used by one and all.
Well, I can dream, can't I?
Taffy Tara over and out.