Delusional Thursday: An Alien Abduction

For some reason, I thought Thursday fell on Friday. An easy mistake to make, right?

So, running a bit late, I'm going to post a raw transcript of my most recent alien abduction experience. I'd originally planned to edit this and write it up as a more interesting story, but at least this way you can read all of the sordid details uncensored.



SUBJECT 147: Oohh... my head. [moaning, something unintelligible] Are you going to hurt me?

CAPTAIN MAL: Z`ww apa^a kho ypsin o'h''ll nd configure the translator. Please restate.

SUBJECT 147: Are you going to hurt me?

CAPTAIN MAL: Not intentionally.

SUBJECT 147: Where am I?

CAPTAIN MAL: [muffled hum in the background] One moment. [clicking noise] What do you think?

SUBJECT 147: I think you're, um, an alien.

CAPTAIN MAL: Not, perhaps, a demon?

SUBJECT 147: Uh, no. What-- why would I think that?

CAPTAIN MAL: [scratching noise] Excellent. We may assume your planet has at least nominal technology. Tell me about your species.

SUBJECT 147: You don't... am I the first one you abducted?

CAPTAIN MAL: I'm asking the questions, here. Please make no assumptions and answer to the best of your ability.

SUBJECT 147: Um, okay. We're, uh... a peaceful people.

CAPTAIN MAL: Bullshit.

SUBJECT 147: What?

CAPTAIN MAL: A truly peaceful species, lacking the concept of war, would not think to say such a thing.

SUBJECT 147: Um, we're mostly-- we try to be peaceful.

CAPTAIN MAL: Really? My species is quite warlike. And yet, with your allegedly peaceful nature freeing up more resources for development, we've surpassed you to the extent that I am the abductor and you are the abductee. How do you explain that?

SUBJECT 147: I don't-- um, maybe you're older. You know, your sun and stuff, and your planet formed before ours did.

CAPTAIN MAL: Are you seriously blaming your sun for your developmental ineptitude?

SUBJECT 147: [mumbling]

CAPTAIN MAL: Tell me, if we were to invade, where on your planet would be most vulnerable to a preemptive orbital bombing strike?

SUBJECT 147: Um... please don't---

CAPTAIN MAL: Hah! I'm joking. Location is irrelevant, as a mere fraction of our arsenal could bomb your entire planet into a state of uninhabitability.

SUBJECT 147: My God, that's sick!

CAPTAIN MAL: Yes. Moving on, then, let's try some word association. I'm going to say a word, and then I want you to say the first word that comes to mind, whatever it is, without hesitation. Understand?

SUBJECT 147: Um, yes.

CAPTAIN MAL: Hands--
SUBJECT 147: Feet.

CAPTAIN MAL: Sex--
SUBJECT 147: Love.

CAPTAIN MAL: Copulation--
SUBJECT 147: Um, sex.

CAPTAIN MAL: Toes--
SUBJECT 147: Feet.

CAPTAIN MAL: Fornication--
SUBJECT 147: Sex.

CAPTAIN MAL: Shoes--
SUBJECT 147: Feet.

CAPTAIN MAL: Intercourse--
SUBJECT 147: Um, copulation.

CAPTAIN MAL: [scratching noise] You've got quite the fetish, my friend.

SUBJECT 147: I don't-- no, I don't.

CAPTAIN MAL: Let's proceed with the physical examination. [buzzing noise, dripping liquid]

SUBJECT 147: [long pause] Please don't probe my anus.

CAPTAIN MAL: Oh fer-- I did that one time! I mistook it for the nourishment entrance.

SUBJECT 147: I'm not hungry!

CAPTAIN MAL: Try to relax. I'm going to move into the light, now. Don't be alarmed by my appearance.

SUBJECT 147: [gulps] You're so... hairless. Except the top of your, um, head.

CAPTAIN MAL: We evolved away from excessive hair because it harbored parasites. But if you think about it, we're actually quite similar.

SUBJECT 147: What's that triangle thingy above your mouth?

CAPTAIN MAL: An external olfactory organ. Now, be quiet and hold still.

SUBJECT 147: [whimpers] Please...

CAPTAIN MAL: Chill out. I'm already finished. [scratching noise] What is your given name among your kind?

SUBJECT 147: Miklazg. Miklazg Gwivver.

CAPTAIN MAL: Well, Miklazg-miklazg-gwivver, my name is "Jason". Can you pronounce that?

SUBJECT 147: [garbled]

CAPTAIN MAL: Our session is nearly finished. Now I will allow you to ask one question of me.

SUBJECT 147: Oh, wow. Um, let me think. [pause] How many-- no, wait. [long pause] How can we make contact with an intelligent species? Beyond our own planet?

CAPTAIN MAL: Interesting. [scratching noise, muffled beep]

SUBJECT 147: Well? How can we do it?

CAPTAIN MAL: I said nothing about providing an answer. Please lay back while I anaesthetize you for the return journey.

SUBJECT 147: Are you going to, um, erase my memories?

CAPTAIN MAL: Ah, that! No, we have a simple, new technique that ensures our security and anonymity whilst addressing all of our concerns about your mental well-being.

SUBJECT 147: What's that? The techinque?

CAPTAIN MAL: We do nothing. No one of intelligence will believe you.

SUBJECT 147: Oh. Right. And my, um, mental well-being...?

CAPTAIN MAL: --does not concern us at all.



I enjoyed my visit with Miklazg-miklazg-gwivver, but I had to let the poor bastard go before completing the full routine. Sometimes they're just too tense about the anal probe. But I'll get the next one.


Cheers,
Jason