20 October 2011

Delusional Thursday: An Alien Abduction

For some reason, I thought Thursday fell on Friday. An easy mistake to make, right?

So, running a bit late, I'm going to post a raw transcript of my most recent alien abduction experience. I'd originally planned to edit this and write it up as a more interesting story, but at least this way you can read all of the sordid details uncensored.

SUBJECT 147: Oohh... my head. [moaning, something unintelligible] Are you going to hurt me?

CAPTAIN MAL: Z`ww apa^a kho ypsin o'h''ll nd configure the translator. Please restate.

SUBJECT 147: Are you going to hurt me?

CAPTAIN MAL: Not intentionally.

SUBJECT 147: Where am I?

CAPTAIN MAL: [muffled hum in the background] One moment. [clicking noise] What do you think?

SUBJECT 147: I think you're, um, an alien.

CAPTAIN MAL: Not, perhaps, a demon?

SUBJECT 147: Uh, no. What-- why would I think that?

CAPTAIN MAL: [scratching noise] Excellent. We may assume your planet has at least nominal technology. Tell me about your species.

SUBJECT 147: You don't... am I the first one you abducted?

CAPTAIN MAL: I'm asking the questions, here. Please make no assumptions and answer to the best of your ability.

SUBJECT 147: Um, okay. We're, uh... a peaceful people.

CAPTAIN MAL: Bullshit.

SUBJECT 147: What?

CAPTAIN MAL: A truly peaceful species, lacking the concept of war, would not think to say such a thing.

SUBJECT 147: Um, we're mostly-- we try to be peaceful.

CAPTAIN MAL: Really? My species is quite warlike. And yet, with your allegedly peaceful nature freeing up more resources for development, we've surpassed you to the extent that I am the abductor and you are the abductee. How do you explain that?

SUBJECT 147: I don't-- um, maybe you're older. You know, your sun and stuff, and your planet formed before ours did.

CAPTAIN MAL: Are you seriously blaming your sun for your developmental ineptitude?

SUBJECT 147: [mumbling]

CAPTAIN MAL: Tell me, if we were to invade, where on your planet would be most vulnerable to a preemptive orbital bombing strike?

SUBJECT 147: Um... please don't---

CAPTAIN MAL: Hah! I'm joking. Location is irrelevant, as a mere fraction of our arsenal could bomb your entire planet into a state of uninhabitability.

SUBJECT 147: My God, that's sick!

CAPTAIN MAL: Yes. Moving on, then, let's try some word association. I'm going to say a word, and then I want you to say the first word that comes to mind, whatever it is, without hesitation. Understand?

SUBJECT 147: Um, yes.

SUBJECT 147: Feet.

SUBJECT 147: Love.

CAPTAIN MAL: Copulation--
SUBJECT 147: Um, sex.

SUBJECT 147: Feet.

CAPTAIN MAL: Fornication--
SUBJECT 147: Sex.

SUBJECT 147: Feet.

CAPTAIN MAL: Intercourse--
SUBJECT 147: Um, copulation.

CAPTAIN MAL: [scratching noise] You've got quite the fetish, my friend.

SUBJECT 147: I don't-- no, I don't.

CAPTAIN MAL: Let's proceed with the physical examination. [buzzing noise, dripping liquid]

SUBJECT 147: [long pause] Please don't probe my anus.

CAPTAIN MAL: Oh fer-- I did that one time! I mistook it for the nourishment entrance.

SUBJECT 147: I'm not hungry!

CAPTAIN MAL: Try to relax. I'm going to move into the light, now. Don't be alarmed by my appearance.

SUBJECT 147: [gulps] You're so... hairless. Except the top of your, um, head.

CAPTAIN MAL: We evolved away from excessive hair because it harbored parasites. But if you think about it, we're actually quite similar.

SUBJECT 147: What's that triangle thingy above your mouth?

CAPTAIN MAL: An external olfactory organ. Now, be quiet and hold still.

SUBJECT 147: [whimpers] Please...

CAPTAIN MAL: Chill out. I'm already finished. [scratching noise] What is your given name among your kind?

SUBJECT 147: Miklazg. Miklazg Gwivver.

CAPTAIN MAL: Well, Miklazg-miklazg-gwivver, my name is "Jason". Can you pronounce that?

SUBJECT 147: [garbled]

CAPTAIN MAL: Our session is nearly finished. Now I will allow you to ask one question of me.

SUBJECT 147: Oh, wow. Um, let me think. [pause] How many-- no, wait. [long pause] How can we make contact with an intelligent species? Beyond our own planet?

CAPTAIN MAL: Interesting. [scratching noise, muffled beep]

SUBJECT 147: Well? How can we do it?

CAPTAIN MAL: I said nothing about providing an answer. Please lay back while I anaesthetize you for the return journey.

SUBJECT 147: Are you going to, um, erase my memories?

CAPTAIN MAL: Ah, that! No, we have a simple, new technique that ensures our security and anonymity whilst addressing all of our concerns about your mental well-being.

SUBJECT 147: What's that? The techinque?

CAPTAIN MAL: We do nothing. No one of intelligence will believe you.

SUBJECT 147: Oh. Right. And my, um, mental well-being...?

CAPTAIN MAL: --does not concern us at all.

I enjoyed my visit with Miklazg-miklazg-gwivver, but I had to let the poor bastard go before completing the full routine. Sometimes they're just too tense about the anal probe. But I'll get the next one.



ViolaNut said...

Alien sex anal probes... oh my. *snort* (I think I mixed up some of that because I was laughing so hard. :-) )

Chary Johnson said...

Wow. *wide-eyed*

I like the twist how Jason is the alien and the alien is actually a native. Nice!